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The Village Blacksmith Diaries: Dey likes me in China! Dey really likes me!

Dear Diary,

As the man who sits on the Iron Throne here in Nova Scotia, I is the man who can go to China as many times as I likes. Don’t cares what anybodies sez.

So, I don’t understand all dis fuss ’bout me comin’ back from China fer the seventh time. Heck, did the fine people a Nova Scotia want me to stay over dere,? Er whad?

Besides, dey likes me in China. Dey looks up to me. Probably cuz I’s tall. But dey still looks up to me. And dats nice. Dats whad really matters. Specially when I is the least liked leader back in me home country.

But dats OK, too.

Cuz I don’t really pays any attentions to dat criticism.

Never taught a meself as a leader anyways. So, dere!

Wad I is, is whad I is.

I is a proud graduate of the Royal Refrigerator Repair Academy in Annapolis. Dats all I is. All I intended to be. Nuttin’ more den dat.

Just so happened dat one day, fer better or fer worse, I trew me hat into the ring. One ting leads to anutter and the next thing ya knows I’s the leader of me group. Den the leader a all Nova Scotia.

I knows I’m not alone in dat I can’t figure it out either. Dats life, I guess.

Take the good wit the bad. Stuff happens.

Cuz dats da way tings roll in a free society like here’s in Nova Scotia. Anybody can be elected the premier. So, don’t puts all the blame on me. Ain’t all my fault.

Reckon, Diary, I’s only da front-man fer a place dats tradishunly run by unqualified political hacks and fer da people who doesn’t do der homework before dey votes.

Dats why China is so important to me. Dey knows whad dey wants in China. As well as dey knows whad dey don’t wants in China.

Sees, Diary, a failed experiment like me would never be allowed to happen in China. Dey wouldn’t let a ting like me happen in China. Not fer one minute. Too smart fer nonsense like me in China. Dey would has me up before a firin’ squad lickety-split. Bet yer bottom dollar on dat one!

Dats why I’s always admired da Chinese. Dats why I likes ’em.

I likes leadership which has a firm grip on da state. I likes dis one-party leadership. I has a soft spot fer dis one-man rule.

Cuz, Diary, as we all knows, “Too many cooks spoil da broth.”

Dats why it’s just plain silly to has too many voices ’round the table. Too many public accounts meetin’s on too many tings, and so on and so fort. Stuff like dat. Too many chiefs and not enuff injuns is never a good ting.

Dats why da Chinese is so special to me. Dey knows how to get tings done. Dey takes a straight forward approach and gets ’er done.

Like, if dey wants to fill up dur jails wit foreign nationals, all dey has to do is go round ’em up in the streets and Bob’s yer uncle as dey sez. No fuss, no bodder.

Of course, den everybody in da civilized world gets der knickers in a knot just because innocent foreign nationals is swooped off the streets and held hostage. Everybody has to get der two cents worth in, I suppose!

Reckon, Diary, dats where I comes in. Dats where I comes to da rescue.

Sees, I remembers back in me turd year at Royal Refrigerator Repair Academy, I had to choose whad dey calls an elective course. I had to choose between two schoolin’ courses.

I had to choose between ’Vaporators & Condensers 101 and Introduction to Shuttle Diplomacy & Hostage Rescue. Since I knew everyting dere was to know ’bout ’vaporators and stuff, I took da diplomacy & rescue course. And I’m glad I did.

So, I’s more den ready, willing and able to do my shuttle diplomacy, to do my part to get Canada-Chinese relations back on an even keel. No question in me mind I’m the right man for da job. Just sittin’ back here on da threshold a da history, rarin’ to go!

All I has to do is to use da diplomatic skills I learned at da Royal Refrigerator Repair Academy. All I has to do is to take a simple tree-pronged approach. Just like da simple tree-pronged plug you uses to plug in your ’frigerator or otter major applianaces.

Number one. First, I has to open a dialogue wit da Chinese. Speak dur language as da fellah sez.

So, I’s gonna speak dur language.

I’s gonna phone Uncle Charlie’s and order some Chinese food.

Likely I’s gonna order some Kung Fu Chicken; some Mu Shu Pork; some Chang Foo Beef; some Chicken Foo Young; some BBQ Shrimp Soo Gai; and some Mushroom Fried Rice Moo Gai & Gal.

Number two. Second, I’s gonna apply pressure.

I’s gonna push hard fer four extra Spring Rolls; tree sides a da Honey Garlic Spare Ribs; two orders a da Chicken Chow Mein; and a big free bowl a Uncle Charlie’s Wanton Soup.

Number three. Turd, after I finishes up me big meal — me poor dead mudder (’member her, da first woman sheriff in all Nova Scotia) always said I had a hollow leg — I’s gonna lay back and has meself a big sleep.

Den, after I wakes up, I’s gonna fly back over da ocean to China wit a big feed a Cape Breton lobster fer General Secretary Xi Jinping and me good buddy Ma Xingrui, Governor a Guangdong province. Den, we’s gonna sit down wit da Captain, have a few drinks a rum, get drunk and eat some lobster.

Den, I’s gonna tell da General Secretary dat I has da ability to has Mrs. Huawei shipped outta Vancouver and back to China in a laundry cart of her choosing, but first da Chinese communists has to put dur Canadian hostages on a plane to freedom.

And if da General Secretary doesn’t agree to dos terms, den I will have no otter alternative but to just stop orderin’ me Chinese food from Uncle Charlie’s! Dat, I tink, should work.

Anyways, talk to ya next week, Diary!

— Stephen


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